Jokes Galore!

CEO

Feeling it was time to shake-up his company the new CEO decided to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?

The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

From across the room came a voice: “That was the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”


Homeless Man

A man was at a bus stop waiting for his bus to arrive when a homeless man walked up to him and asked him for some spare change.

Being the generous sort he put his hand in his pocket and came out with a handful of change and some notes, which he handed over to the homeless man.

The homeless man looked at all the spare change and was very grateful for it.

The man waiting for the bus said to the homeless man “now don’t go spending that money on cigarettes”.  The homeless man said “don’t worry I haven’t smoked a cigarette in years.”

The man waiting for the bus said “now don’t even think about spending that money on booze.”  “I gave up drinking 20 years ago and not a drop of liquor has passed my lips since.”

The man at the bus stop was not finished yet because he said, “and don’t go spending that money on a round of golf either”.

“Do I look the country club type – how can I afford to play a round of golf, I haven’t played golf in years?” said the homeless man.

Satisfied with the answers the man waiting for the bus decided he’d ask the homeless man around for dinner and to meet his wife.

“I appreciate the offer but I don’t’ think that’s such a good idea, I’m kind of scruffy and I smell bad.”

Don’t worry about that I want my wife to know what a man looks like when he’s forced to give up smoking, drinking and golf.


The Emperor and the Rabbi

Once upon a time a powerful emperor in China decided he wanted a new chief bodyguard.  Three people applied for the job: a Samurai, a Chinese warrior, and a Rabbi.

The Emperor instructed each of them to demonstrate their skills.  The Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.  He drew his sword and “swish”, the fly fell to the floor, divided in two.

“What a feat”, said the Emperor.  He instructed the Chinese warrior to step forward.  The warrior took out a tiny box lifted the lid and out flew a fly.  He drew his sword and went swish, swish.  The fly fell onto the floor, divided into four pieces.

“What great skill”, said the Emperor impressed.  “How are you going to top that” he said to the Rabbi.

The Rabbi stepped forward, he took out a tiny box and released a fly.  He drew his sword and went swish, swish, but the fly was still buzzing around.

In disappointment, the Emperor said “what kind of skill is that, the fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead”, replied the Rabbi in contempt.  “Dead is easy, now circumcision, that takes real skill.”


Three Glasses of Beer

A man goes to a bar and asks the bartender for three glasses of beer.  He gets his three glasses of beer and sits down.  He takes a sip from one glass, puts it down.  He takes a sip from the second glass and puts it down, then takes a sip from the third glass and puts it down.

He carries on drinking like this, taking a sip from each glass in turn.  When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills.

The bartender asks him why he takes three glasses at a time, because he could serve him one at a time, that way the beer would stay cold and wouldn’t go flat.

The man tells him: “I have two brothers, and we used to enjoy drinking together, but now they’ve moved away, I like to remember the good times we had by drinking three glasses of beer at a time.  I drink one glass for myself, and one for each brother.

The bartender, and all the regulars in the bar get it, and are used to seeing the man come in and drink three glasses of beer.

One day the man comes into the bar with a sad look on his face.  He orders two glasses of beer, and proceeds to drink from the two glasses, taking a sip from one, putting it down, then taking a sip from the other.

When he’s finished he goes to the bartender and asks for refills.  The bartender has noticed he’s drinking two glasses and summons the courage to say how sorry he is for the loss of a brother.  “My condolences are with you,” says the bartender, “is there anything I can do?”

The man thinks for a moment, then understands.  “No, no, no, my brothers are alive and are doing fine,” says the man.

“It’s just I’ve been to my doctor, he says I’ve got a medical condition, and I’ve had to give up alcohol.”


A Smart Dog

A man has a very smart dog.  Over the years, he’s trained the dog to buy his beer.

The routine is that he slips a $10 bill under the dog’s collar, and the dog would trot down to the corner bar, where the barman knew to take the $10 and give the dog a six-pack of cheap beer in a brown paper bag. The dog would then trot back home with the bag in his mouth.

One night, the guy finds he hasn’t got a $10.  So instead, he takes a $20 and slips it under the collar, figuring the barman will put the change in the paper bag.

Off the dog went.  After a few minutes the dog hadn’t appeared.  The man waits another few minutes — still no dog.  He pulls on his boots and heads out toward the corner bar, looking all over the streets and yards — no dog.  Finally, he arrives at the bar, pulls open the door, and sees the dog sitting up on the barstool, drinking a martini.

“What is this?” The guy says, dumbfounded.  “You’ve never done this before!”

To which the dog replies:  “I’ve never had the money before.”


Two Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the heck off the car!”


The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally John had had enough. In exasperation one day, he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. He shook his fist at the parrot, but the parrot just got angrier and even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said:

“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued:

“May I ask what the chicken did?”


Pants’ Pocket

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee, and slapped him on the back of his head.

“I found a piece of paper in your pants’ pocket with a woman’s name written on it,” she says, furious. “You had better have an explanation.”

“Calm down, honey” says the man. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife smacked him again. “What was that for?” asked the angry husband. “Your dog called last night” she said.


A Nasty Bug

Every night Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home and drink it while he watched TV. One night as he finished his last beer, the door-bell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot bug standing there. The bug punched him in the stomach and left.

The next night after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was poked in the eye and punched in the stomach. Then the bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn’t drink at all. The doorbell rang and the cockroach was standing there. The bug poked him in the eye, punched him in the stomach and threw him across the room.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding nights. “Doctor what can I do,” he said. “Not much,” replied the doctor. “There’s just a nasty bug going around.”


Ear Transplant

A drive of a car was involved in a car crash. Because he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt he shot through the windscreen and in the process lost both of his ears.

An hour later in the hospital the surgeons decided to graft some new ears onto their patient. Unfortunately, the organ bank was out of human ears, so the surgeons decided that they’d transplant the next best thing, which were pig ears.

The surgeons did a fine job and as the patient was in recovery his wife decided to buy him an Ipod, with headphones, to try out his new ears. He put the ear pieces in his new ears.

“Is the Ipod all right,” the wife asked?

“Not too bad,” he answered – “just a bit of crackling in the left ear.”


Two Horses

There was a farmer who had two horses.

The farmer couldn’t tell his two horses apart so he decided to ask his neighbour to help him out.

He went over to his neighbour’s farm “I have two horses, they’re both mares, and I can’t tell apart, can you help me?”

“Sure,” said his neighbour, “Maybe you should nick one of their ears then you can tell them apart.”

So, the farmer went home and did that. The next day the farmer went to check on his horses but he couldn’t tell them apart because the other horse had nicked its ear also.

So, he went back over to his neighbour’s. “My other horse has a nicked ear now too. Do you have any other ideas how to tell them apart?

“Hmmmm.” thought his neighbour, “Cut one’s tail shorter than the other.”

So, the farmer went home and did that. The next day, though, both horses had the same length of tail. So the farmer, tired of walking to his neighbour’s house decided to call instead.

“I see,” said the neighbor after the farmer told him about how both of the tails were the same, “Try measuring them, maybe one is taller than the other.”

So the farmer did that then rushed back into his house, phoned his neighbour and said to him “You were right!! The black horse is bigger than the white one.”


Unemployed Biologist

An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an ad in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but being desperate for money, he accepted the job.

The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla suit and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.

The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, “Help! Help!” The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, “Hey, it’s me Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!”


Irish Wheelchair

An Irishman had been drinking in the pub all night.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand up once more, with the same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside to get some fresh air to clear his head.

Once outside he tries to stand up and again falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 2 blocks to his home.

He crawls through his front door and into his bed room. He manages to pull himself upright by the bed post and flops onto his bed where he quickly falls asleep.

He awakens the next morning to find his wife standing over him and shouting. “So you’ve been drinking again haven’t you,” she says.

“What makes you say that” he replies innocently.

“The pub just called, and you left your wheelchair there last night.”


Plant

Bob and Pete had applied for jobs at a large company, and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them said the test was a breeze, except they were confused by the last question.

“Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant?”

“How did you answer that one?” asked Bob.

“I thought it was tough at first….then I thought of superintendent.,’

“I think I got it right too” said Pete. “But I wrote down horticulturist.”


The Face at the Window

Two men left a bar after a long night of drinking. They jumped into a car and started it up. After a couple of minutes an old man appeared at the passenger window and tapped on it.

The passenger screamed “look there’s a ghost at the window.” The driver floored the accelerator, but the old man’s face was still at the window, so the passenger rolled the window down and asked “what do you want?”

The old man asked for some cigarettes. The passenger nervously handed over his cigarettes and as he wound up the window told the driver to “step on it.”

A few minutes later, with the speedometer reaching 80 kilometres and hour, the men calmed down and started laughing. All of a sudden there was more tapping on the window, and the old man reappeared. “There he is again” the passenger yelled and he rolled down the window again.

“Do you have a light” the old man asked. The passenger threw out his lighter, and told the driver to step on it again. This time the speedometer said the car was going at 100 kilometres an hour.

All of a sudden there was more tapping on the window. “He’s back” yelled the passenger, and he rolled down the window. “What now” he asked.

The old man replied “Want any help getting out of the mud.”


The Glass Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining so he put his head out of the window to check. As he held his hand out to feel the rain a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from and saw a young woman looking down at him.

“Is this your glass eye” he said.

“Yes” she said can you bring it up.

On his arrival at her apartment she was very thankful about getting her eye back and offered the man a drink.

Shortly afterwards, she announced that she was in the middle of cooking dinner and would he like to stay for dinner.

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely dinner.

As the evening was drawing to a close the woman said. “I’ve had a marvellous evening, would you like to stay the night.”

The man hesitated and asked “do you act this way with every man you meet?”

“No” she replied. “Only those who catch my eye.”


The Pope

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven in a limousine the Pope asked the Chauffeur if he could drive. Well, the Chauffeur didn’t think he had much choice so he climbs in the back and lets the Pope drive.

The Pope proceeds down the Highway and pretty soon he starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 100 miles per hour, and he sees the blue lights of the police in his mirror.

The Pope pulls over and the Officer goes to his window.

The Officer sees who it is and says: “just a moment please I need to call in.”

The Officer calls in and asks for his Chief. He tells his Chief he has a really important person pulled over and asks how he should handle it.

“Is it the Governor General?”  Asks the Chief.

“No sir, this guy’s more important.”

“Is it the Prime Minister?”  Asks the Chief.

“No, even more important,” says the Officer.

“Is it the Queen?” Asks the Chief.  “No, even more important than the Queen,” replies the Officer.

“Well then, who is it?” screams the Chief.

“I don’t know sir, but he’s got the Pope as his Chauffeur.”


Ties

In a hot desert country not long ago, a shop keeper set up his stall. The man sold ties. He had ties of every variety: thin ones, wide ones, ones with stripes, others with polka dots.

It was a hot scorching day, and as the stall-keeper was going about his business he looked across the desert to the horizon he could see a cloud of dust. This cloud of dust came closer and closer until he could make out it was a man trudging and stumbling across the dessert.

As he got to the tie-seller he said, “water… water… I’ve been travelling across the dessert and I’m dying of thirst do you have any water?”

The tie-seller said, “Sorry, I don’t have any water. I’m out of water, but would you like to buy a tie? I have wide ones, thin ones, stripes and ones with dots.”

“I don’t need a tie I’m dying of thirst I need water.”

The tie-seller says, “I don’t have water but there’s a village about a mile away and I know it has a restaurant you could try there.” So he sends the thirsty man away.

About an hour later the tie-seller sees another dust cloud on the horizon. It’s the same thirsty man crawling on his hands and knees.

The tie-seller asks, “What happened couldn’t you find the village?”

“I found the village and the restaurant.” The man replied.

“Well then what happened?” asked the tie-seller.

“Well… the restaurant wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”